Hold Onto Me
by OurRottingUnion
Summary: Phil has been having nightmares which barely allow him any sleep. Tonight he's determined to stay awake but he's so tired and can feel his lids closing. What if he wakes up screaming again. What if Dan hears him? Dan Howell (Danisnotonfire) Phil Lester (Amazingphil) Platonic Phan. Oneshot. Wasn't sure what to rate it T/M. Sorry if it's wrong.


**Hey. So this is my first fan(Phan)fic that I've finished. Yay! I wrote this whole thing (it's not that long) listening to Hold Onto Me by Mayday Parade on repeat. So if you want a song to listen to while reading... Yeah. I'd be happy to get any views/favs/reviews. So don't be shy. :)**

**Oneshot **

**Phil has been having nightmares which barely allow him any sleep. Tonight he's determined to stay awake but he's so tired and can feel his lids closing. What if he wakes up screaming again. What if Dan hears him?**

**Not really Phan, sorry. Although it does involve a little cuddling. 3**

**Trigger Warning: Talks about self harm and suicide.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Dan and/or Phil. This did not happen**

**Phil's POV**

I said goodnight to Dan and headed to my room. He'd probably be up for another hour or so browsing the internet, it was only 1am. I got changed into some pajamas and finished up in the bathroom then just sat on my bed. I didn't want to sleep. I couldn't bare it anymore. I've been having these nightmares for the last month or so. At first it was only a few but recently I've been getting them every night and it's got to the point where I'm too scared and no longer want to fall asleep, no matter how tired I am. And I am. I'm exhausted. But I can't sleep. I won't.

I set my laptop and headphones up on my bed and got up, turning off the light. I hope Dan will think I'm asleep. I don't want him coming in asking why I'm still up. I don't want to tell him but i also can't lie to him. I just hope he doesn't notice, or if he does, never asks.

I slipped my headphones over my head and settled them around my ears, playing some loud and upbeat music that hopefully would help keep me from drifting off. I decided I might as well get something useful done if I'm going to be up all night. I opened up YouTube and scrolled through all of the new comments on my videos. Most people don't believe I actually read every comment but i do.

It was already 3am, I heard Dan go to bed about 10 minutes ago. He always stays up too late, but I guess that's a bit hypocritical when I'm here planning on getting no sleep tonight. I wish this would just go away. I don't know what it is and have no idea how to deal with it. When it happens I'm jerked out of whatever horrible dream I'm having, sweating and full on sobbing. Often I can barely breath, and that scares me. I felt my eyelids droop and jerk my head up, eyes wide. Can't sleep. Must not sleep. But I'm so tired. I've hardly slept in days. Every time it happens, no matter what time it is I don't go back to sleep. _What's wrong with me?_ Okay, Phil. You need to stop, worrying about it isnt going to help.

I've started watching video responses now. Not many people do them anymore and I also don't suggest making them. We just don't have time anymore. I still really enjoyed them though and I'm secretly happy there are still a few people that make them. Those through, I might as well start on the music videos for the radio show. Dan and I usually watch them together so we can both decide which ones we want to play but I have nothing else to do. I'll watch them again later with Dan. I pulled up the first one and rubbed my eyes. Was it supposed to be blurry or was it just me? I pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes. They hurt so much. I paused the video and pulled off the headphones. My brain felt like it had been covered with loads of sticky honey, every thought came so slowly. I'll just sit here and close my eyes for a minute. Just one minute, I told myself. My sore eyes seemed to be thanking me so I replied "You're welcome." Like any manored person would. I imagined my eyes with little eyes of their own, having conversations while I slept. What an odd thought. I really _really_ need to get this sorted out so I can sleep.

I sat upright and hopped off my bed and headed to my bathroom. I needed to use the toilet. I flicked the light on. Dan was there. "Dan...?" I asked , wondering what he was doing my bathroom and how he got there without me noticing. He slowly turned to face me and held out his arms, inviting me in for a hug. That's when I realised his hands were covered in blood. In fact, everything was. The floor, the walls, even the ceiling. Bloody handprints streaked across every surface. The blood dripped from Dan's outstretched hands. I stumbled backwards. "W-what happened?" I gasped, terrorfied. My back hit the now closed bathroom door -how did that happen- as Dan stared back at me. His eyes filled with fear and he stepped towards me. "Phil, help me" he begged. There was desperation in his voice. He took another step forward and collapsed on the the floor. Blood started pooling around his lifeless body and I dropped to my knees in tears, searching for the cause of the bleeding. I pulled up his sleeves and choked. I couldn't breath. I tried to inhale but my lungs wouldn't respond. There were two long cuts down Dan's arms and the blood was oozing out of them. "No no no!" I screamed. "Please come back Dan" I begged between my sobs "you can't do this to me." The world started to tilt slightly and I looked up. Dan stood above me, there was hatred in his eyes "why didn't you come sooner!" He spat. I shook my head, tears streaming down my face "I didn't know. Im sorry" I told him. He just glared back at me "don't lie! This is all your fault. You could have saved me. Why didn't you?" He demanded, shouting at me. "what's wrong with you!?" "I don't know, I don't know" I sobbed, grabbing onto my head and yanking at my hair, shaking it back and forth. Dan just stood there, shouting at me "Phil, Phil, PHIL! He'd grabbed my shoulders and was shaking me. I was terrified. "GET OFF!" I screeched at him, shoving him ruffly. "GET AWAY FROM ME!" What was I saying? I didn't want him to leave. I wanted him to come back, to not be dead. "I'm sorry." I sobbed. This can't be happening.

"Phil, wake up!" My eyes snapped open and I could see Dan kneeling beside me, hands on my shoulders, shaking me. "D-an?" I choaked out. "I'm here, Phil." He replyed softly. I threw myself at him and clung on for dear life, praying that he wouldn't disappear or drop dead in my arms. "I'm sorry I'm sorry." I repeated over and over. Dan held me tightly and rubbed my back, whispering "It's okay, it's okay. I'm Here, you're okay. It was just a dream." I sobbed into his shoulder and held on as tightly as I could. The sobs hurt my chest and I struggled to breath, choking occasionally. Dan stayed there, holding me gently, like I was a fragile piece of China and he was afraid he might break me. "Deep breaths, Phil. Everything's okay." I just whispered that I was sorry and he pulled me closer. When I had finally calmed down and could breath again, Dan tried to pushed me away slightly so he could talk and see my face. I whimpered and clung onto his neck, begging him not to let go. Dan reassured me he wouldn't and resumed his previous position "Why didn't you tell me, phil?" He asked, his voice was full of concern. "I... I-" I hiccuped and squeezed my eyes shut, gripping onto his shirt with my fists. He rubbed my back, giving me time to collect myself and reply. "What do you mean?" I asked, pretending I didn't know what he was talking about. "I heard you this last week. It's been happening every night, hasn't it?" I reluctantly nodded. Like I said, I can't lie to Dan. "You could have told me you know. I didn't ask because I thought you would, but when I heard you earlier... I couldn't take it anymore. You were histerical, shouting something about me and thrashing about." I winced at the memory. I hope I didn't actually shove him. Why did I have to put Dan through this. It had clearly upset him. Pained him even. Why did I have to be like this. The sobs started up again and I held my breath as they racked through me, making my chest ache. "Hey, hey" Dan cooed. "It's alright." Again I told him I was sorry but he just told me to stop that. "You can't control this. I do wish you would have told me though." He said and it hurt my heart, all the worry I had caused him. Dan moved up to the top of my bed and pulled me up beside him, throwing the blanket over both of us and pulling me close. "I'll stay with you tonight." He told me. I smiled gladly. I was so relieved that he wasn't going to leave me. I snuggled closer and he put his arms around me, closing his eyes. I couldn't stop thinking about what he said in my dream and just now, how I was thrashing about. What if I go to sleep and end up hurting him? "Phil, tell me what happened in your dream." Dan shocked me out of my thoughts. I had thought he was asleep. What would I say, why had I even had this dream. Am I afraid that Dan's going to kill himself. "Please. It's obviously still bothering you and you need to get some sleep, you're exhausted… I- I'm worried about you." He finished. I thought for a moment and decided I would tell him. How do I explain this, I don't even remember falling asleep. "You... I- I got out of bed to use the bathroom and you were in there." "In your bathroom?" He asked, I nodded. "You had loads of blood on your hands and there was blood all over the room. I asked you what happened and you just begged me to help you. Then you collapsed and there was blood everywhere. You- y-" I choked and began to sob again, tears dripping down my face. Dan wiped them away with his thumb and I continued. "You had... Cut your wrists. You were dying Dan! I didn't know what to do. You shouted at me and told me it was my fault, for not saving you. You hated me Dan and it was all my fault! I didn't save you..." I trailed off and Dan was silent. The tears were rolling steadily down my cheeks and I pressed my face against his chest, whimpering. Dan spoke "Phil?" I sobbed but didn't move. "Look at me please." He asked gently. I lifted my head up and stared back at his deep brown eyes, I could feel my bottom lip trembling. "It was just a dream. It was _not_ your fault, _and_ that will never happen. I'm not going anywhere. I don't want to. I want to stay right here... with you. You're my best friend and I will _never_ leave you. I...I love you." I couldn't help but grin at my best friend, he is the most beautiful person in the world. We snuggled up again and got more comfortable. Dan's arms wrapped tightly around me, like he had no intention of ever letting go. I felt safe. He always made me feel safe. "Dan?" I asked quietly. He mumbled a 'hum', letting me know he was listening. "I love you too." I told him. "Good." I could hear the smile in his voice "now go to sleep." He told me sternly, I smiled "okay." I closed my eyes and fell into a peaceful, dreamless sleep.


End file.
